when will i wear it again?

*i'll miss being a coassisstant...

it's on the 2nd week of april 2007, if i'm not mistaken, when i came anxiously to the sardjito hospital as a new coassisstant for the first time. my thought was strangled with many kind of questions; will i able to pass this phase? will i do something wrong? will i accidentally messed up? will my patients be okay? will i get along with my new friends in the  group? will they accept me? will i be an individual or not? will everything be alright?? ...and at that  time, i was too afraid to answer all of those questions.

internal medicine was my first rotation, and as far as i can remember i've never been so diligent as when i was in this department; in my first week, when i was still a newbie knowing nothing and seemed to be lost in the middle of nowhere, i was assigned to assist a resident with the most patient counts in the ward, always more than 10 patients, and i'm alone! whereas some of my friends are lucky enough to be paired with fewer patient than mine!! T.T so there i am, the newbie, anxiously wake up every 4am--yeah, believe me, i was extremely too diligent at that time--to take bath, skipping breakfast, and drive away to the hospital, arrived at around 5.15am-5.30am carrying a heavy daily bag filled with some notes and internal med books, a hand-carry bag of a standard mercury sphygmomanometer, and not forgetting a small pink sling bag filled with a penlight, both digital and mercury thermometers, and a measuring tape. stethoscope? hanging on my neck ^^ i'm such an over-excited newbie anyway, apart that somehow i kinda want to be an internist someday regarding my mom's hidden illness that can't be cured up to this second, actually i really like studying internal meds. it's fascinating, in short. and still it is to me til now...

then the rotation went on and on... public health medicine and ear-nose-throat came shortly, followed by primary health care, dermatovenerology and psychiatry. together with 3 nurse coassisstants, we're spending 6 weeks in a primary health care in an outskirt-area of jogja. it was such a twilight for me, for being happy and unhappy. happy to face the patients as a "temporary real" doctor, and unhappy to know the reality of this country's medical facilities... like using some kind of drugs that actually had been banned? and a poor child with thalassemia who lived in such an unproper house and unable to afford any medications. i just can't help my tears from falling... T.T back then in my final year of undergrad, i did my thesis in dermatovenereology department, it's about keloid, a supposedly-to-be-simple biomolecular experiment using ultraviolet light, but i ended up in more than 12 months to finished it. frustrating, i've to confess, but that was the first time i found out that dermatovenereology attracts me. well... not until i get into the real rotation. some pros and cons happened in me when i was in the real set, and, yes, it disappoints me... and psychiatry?? nothing special, for the clinical part itself, but in the other part, the so-called-newly-formed-friendship had just getting stronger and better; as if our life were stopped around restaurants to eat and any comfortable desks to play poker--and, hey, i once played poker while i'm driving to a satellite hospital, y'know?? hahaha--plus a special thing for me to reminisce and again for my long-lasting i-know-it-and-i-can-do-it attitude: i drive myself and 3 friends to banyumas and back home, without changing driver. ooh i just love how it feels!

then obsgyn came, a nightmare for coassisstants that have been a legend for decades. and it happens to me. spending my 2 weeks out of total 8 weeks of the rotation in klaten, i lost my weight from 46 to 43-44 kgs. and for the first time of my life, me, who always been a food-eater and awarded by my dad as a "small-motorized-vehicle-with-double-decker-bus-capacity", or in indonesian language: "bemo muatan bis tingkat"--yeah, i eat more than you thought if you saw my figure ;p--but at that time, i craved for sleep more than for eat!! apart that i always amaze witnessing every second of the laboring process, it was a real tiring rotation. so no, i don't wanna be an obsgyn. no-uh.

having surgery rotation after obsgyn was such a heaven. thank God, i'm lucky enough for being created as female, regarding those 95% of surgery residents were male--if you got what i mean ;)--and having a killer urologist as my examiner was not a real problem, at all ;) ;) ;)

pediatric was supposedly another nightmare besides obsgyn, but spending 4 weeks in klaten was a real fun, and definitely not a nightmare like obsgyn. the pediatricians are nice and kind, especially our tutor, like i wrote before in here. i never know how it feels to have a grandfather, and i really want him as mine if i could :)

ophthalmology and neurology were another "heavenly" rotations. but not with anesthesiology after that. it was horrible horrible horrible. and waaaaay more tiring than obsgyn, well... imagine that, just like i wrote here. but radiology and forensic became such a happily-ever-after ending for my clinical rotation. it was fun, it wasn't tiring at all, and together with my sisterhood and brotherhood of kero gang--beware of it!--and culinary team, i've finished that 20-months-most-important-phase-of-my-life. i'll miss the hospital. i'll miss the patients. i'll miss all the rush happens. i'll miss all the troubles. i'll miss the night duty. i'll miss the canteens. i'll miss the smell of the public ward. i'll miss the freezing operating room. i'll miss the green and blue uniform. i'll miss the bedside study. i'll miss being "disappear" between working hours.

i'll miss being a coassisstant.

i really will.

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